


Crushed

by KaydenEli72



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A lot of pain, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Cliffs of Moher, Death, Depression, Gay, Grief, Irish, Laff and Herc want to help, Love, M/M, Pain, Panic Attack, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Washington is a big help, a lot of people die, and death, there is a bookshelf, walking outside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23791786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaydenEli72/pseuds/KaydenEli72
Summary: It was supposed to be a normal normal afternoon. The were supposed to go out for lunch, come back and John would head back to the house while Alex worked for a few more hours. But all that changed. Now all John could do was stare at Alex, his mind replaying the past hour over and over and over in his brain.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	1. It was okay

It was supposed to be a normal normal afternoon. They were supposed to go out for lunch, come back and John would head back to the house while Alex worked for a few more hours. But all that changed. Now all John could do was stare at Alex, his mind replaying the past hour over and over and over in his brain.

_About two hours earlier_

“Okay, where do you want to go for lunch?”

“I honestly don’t care. You choose.”

“I chose last time. It’s your turn.” John leaned over and shut Alex’s computer. “It’s lunch, stop working. Now. What do you want to eat?”

Alex grinned up at him, “let’s just go get a hot dog and some ice cream. Then we can walk back here and eat. How does that sound?” 

“Perfect. Let’s go.”

Alex pushed his chair back and stood up, grabbing his bag. As the two left, Alex bumped into the wooden bookshelf, causing it to rock lightly, “man, I should screw that in!” He told John, making sure the bookshelf didn’t fall, then continuing out the door, “one of these days, it’s gonna fall.”

“...that could be a problem.” John said, already halfway out the door. 

The two men walked out of the office, chatting. As they walked through the park, Alex told John about all the boring things that had gone through the office (he mostly ranted about Jefferson, if John was being truthful) then John told Alex about his job (a clothing store that he worked at with Laff and Herc) and how someone had put in an order for fifty shirts to be picked up in a week ‘the nerve of them!’ Soon, the two reached their favorite hot dog place. They had come here st least once a week for the past year, the owners and workers knew them quite well. Sometimes, their order would be ready by the time they got to the front. Today was one of those days. As the line was very long, Alex already has the exact change out, as well as a tip. 

He hadn’t even opened his mouth when the worker, Liam, said, “Hello Alex, John. Your order is already ready. I’ll just go grab it.” Liam turned and scurried off to grab their order.

“It’s times like these that I realize we eat here too much…” John commented, laughing.

Liam returned, bearing a bag and two cones. He handed them to John, as Alex handed him the change and tip. “Thanks Liam.” The pair left the shop, going to sit in their favorite park.

They walked and talked. John let Alex go on another rant, not really paying attention. He was thinking. He was thinking about how he got here, how lucky he was. He and Alex had only been dating for about a year, but John already knew he was gonna marry him. Unless Alex did something really stupid, John was completely and utterly in love. They hadn’t said it yet, but they loved each other. John knew he had to say it soon. He just didn’t know how. Herc had told him to just say it. Take Alex by surprise. Laff has cut in and said to take a video. _Today._ Thought John, _I’ll do it today. At the park. Under the tree. And I’ll take a video. I can do it._ John could feel his heart speed up at the thought of it. 

“-And then he told me that I was stupid! Can you believe that! I’m not stupid!” Alex exclaimed, bringing John out of his thoughts.

Shaking his head, John laughed, “No, you’re not stupid Alex.”

Alex smiled at him.

They sat down under their favorite tree. Pulling the food out of the bag, Alex looked towards the pond. He handed John his hotdog, still watching the water. 

“You okay?” John knew about the storm. Alex had told him once, when a storm was coming. 

Alex blinked, then nodded. “Yeah, just thinking.”

They ate lunch in silence, John trying to figure out how to take a video without causing suspicion from Alex. Finally, an idea occurred to him. He could pretend to take a photo. It was something he did constantly, and Alex didn’t really mind as long as he asked before hand. _Do it. Do it. Do it._ Half his mind chanted. The other half was a worrying and swearing mess. A pit of worry pooling in Johns stomach, he slowly pulled out his phone. He took a deep breath, hoping he wasn’t shaking.

“Whatcha doing?” Asked Alex, grinning.

“I’m gonna take a amazing photo of you,” John joke, praying his voice was light and happy.

Alex didn’t seem sense anything, so he smiled, “okay! How do you want me to pose?”

“Why don’t you lean against the tree?” John said. As Alex stood, John switch to video and started it. He didn’t want Alex to see him clicking too many buttons. 

“Okay I think I’m ready.” Alex leaned against the tree, smiling.

“You’re perfect.” John grinned, trying to ignore the anxiety and love fighting in his chest. Hopefully, the second one would win. He pretended to get a better angle, while really just stalling. “Hey Alex?”

“Yeah?”

John swallowed. He could do this. “I uh…”

“Yeah?”

 _Now or never._ “I love you, Alexander Hamilton. I love you.”

Alex’s reaction wasn’t immediate.. At first he looked confused, then his face went white, red then turned to an expression of joy and delight, and the tears started streaming down his face. He opened his mouth, but no word came out. All he could do was grin and cry.

“Aha! I have rendered the great Alexander ‘non-stop’ Hamilton speechless!” John half-yelled, his voice still shaking from the adrenaline. “I can’t believe this! What a great feat! I can’t wait to tell-”

He was cut off by Alexander pulling him into a kiss. John let his hand with the phone drop, the other coming up to meet Alex’s cheek. When they broke apart, Alex looked at John, his face still wet with tears, opened his mouth, and said shakily, “I love you too, John Laurens, I love you too.”

Johns grin only widened as he jumped onto Alex, wrapping his arms around his waste, his arms around his neck, and nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck. 

They stayed like that for a long time, just standing there. After a long while, Alex whispered, “I still have to get work, you know.”

John laughed, in all that had happened, he had completely forgotten about Alex’s work. He sighed, “fine, but I’m coming back with you today.”

“Alrighty then, a change of events. Let’s go!”

John smiled, “I’m pretty sure that this entire lunch has been a change of events.” He hopped down, taking Ales’s hand in his own. The two walked in silence, just enjoying each others company.

When they got back to the office, Alex checked his watch. 1:36. “Okay, I’ve got four minutes, want to want me to my office?”

“Definitely.”

The two made their way back up to Alex’s office. When they finally reached it, there was only a minute or two until Alex had to get back to work. John walked in anyway, and dropped onto a couch that Alex had had installed just a few weeks earlier. He pulled out his phone and went into text, opening the group chat they had with Laff and Herc.

“Whatcha doing there?” Alex asked, opening up his computer.

“Sending the most amazing video ever to a group chat with Laff and Herc.” John said, trying not to hint anything in his voice.

“Mmmhmm,” Alex hummed, opening up the text. He was silent for a moment then he half yelled, “you recorded this?!”

John laughed and nodded, “it was Laffs idea. He told me that his biggest regret was not recording when he first said `I love you.’”

Alex fake-glared at him, but his happiness was fighting to break through. Just as he opened his mouth to make some dumb remark, a text from Laff came in.

**Stressedbaguette: OMG YOU GUYS FINALLY DID IT JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH WE ARE HAVING DINNER TONIGHT SO YO CAN TELL US ALLLLLLLL**

**Turtleman: Laff…. It’s all in the video**

**Stressedbaguette:ANNNNNNND???? YOUR POINT??????? WE ARE STILL GETTING DINNER. TONIGHT. SNAIL BOX.**

**Non-stop: Snailbox? Really?**

**Stressedbaguette: YES THE HATS MAKE ME HAPPY ILL TELL HERC**

**Non-stop: You know he’s on this group chat… right?**

**Stressedbaguette: ...right**

***sighs*: NOICE JOHN! CONGRATS Y’ALL**

**Turtleman: Thanks**

**Non-stop: K, I gotta work, and I can’t have my phone buzzing constantly…**

**Stressedbaguette: ugh fine you dryshite. but Snailbox. 8. K?**

**Turtleman: we’ll be there**

Alex put his phone down, rolling his eyes. He looked over at John, who was grinning at him. “So, Snailbox?”

“Yeah, you know Laff would kill us if we didn’t show up. Especially after this.” He stood up. “Okay, I’ll let you work then.” John stood, pecking Alex on the lips as he left.

“Mmk. Bye.” Alex was already immersed in his work. 

John was almost out the door when he turned again, “love you,” he winked, and left, but not before Alex managed a broken, “Love you too”

“John was just more than halfway to the exit when it happened. A small shaking beneath his feet. His heart dropped. Earthquake. His ears were ringing as he sprinted back down the hall, ignoring every safety measure he had ever been taught. _Get cover. Get. To. Cover. Alex!_ The last thought ran through his head like an alarm. He moved faster. He could see Alex’s door, but barely. Then a bigger jolt came, shaking him off his feet and to the ground. Barely avoiding hitting his head on the wall, John threw his hand over his head, like they were taught to do in school. Panicked, John continued his way down the hall, knowing just how dangerous it was, but not caring. As much as wanted to turn back, to get to safety, Alex stayed in his mind. A moment late, everything went still. John didn’t pause. The amount of adrenaline coursing through his veins was moe than he ever thought possible to feel. He mind was spinning, barely making comprehendible thoughts, as he ran.

All he could do was pray to the skies that Alex was okay. He had to be… right? There was nothing that could fall on Alex--unless the roof caved in, and that wasn’t going to happen. John reached the door just as an aftershock hit. Barely avoiding being thrown to the ground again, John seized the doorway. Using all the strength he had, he humbled himself into the office.

Alex was on all fours, trying to make his way to the door, evidently having the same thoughts as John. 

“ALEX!” John cried, reaching his hand towards his boyfriend.

Alex looked up, his face relaxing the slightest bit. He began moving faster, more desperate to get to John. As Alex pulled himself to his feet, something pulled in Johns gut, a warning of sorts. John ignored it, passing it off as adrenaline.

Then it happened.

Another aftershock hit, bigger than before and John realized what the odd pulling in his gut was for.

The bookshelf.

“ALEX N-”

He was too late. Time seemed to slow down as the books fell. John watched the first one come down, followed by the second, then a third, fourth, fifth, slowly. The book case followed soon after. Alex turned, his face going from confusion to horror. He stumbled back, even though he knew it was too late. One by one the books fell onto Alex, hitting every part of his small body. As each book his, John watched him become weaker, closer to the ground. Alex hit the ground, arms outstretched backwards, watching the case fall onto him. John could only stand in horror as the bookcase hit Alex, forcing the man onto the floor. With a loud bang, time sped up again, Alex upon the floor, unmoving

  
  
  
  


________

_My fault my fault myfault myfault it was my fault alex is gonna die because of me myfault myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfautmyfaultmyfaultmyfaut_

The paramedics came. It took them hours, but they finally got into the half collapsed building. John and Alex had been lucky, they had been on the side where it had stayed standing. But others weren’t so lucky. They found John lying on the floor some hours later. He was curled into a ball, unmoving but still awake. Still alive. When they tried to move him, he reacted. He punched, kicked, screamed, anything to stay with Alex. Anything to keep them from hurting him. At one point, one of the paramedics came running back in, with someone new on his tail. 

_myfault_

“I got-” He panted-”Mr.Washington, sir, like you asked.”

John relaxed the slightest bit. Washington could help. He would tell them that they can’t move Alex. How important it was for John to stay with him.

_Alex can’t die. He won’t die. This is all my fault._

The paramedic that was trying to tend to Alex looked up, “Thank you Harris.” He then John heard him move over towards Washington. “Sir, I know that you’ve worked very closely with Mr.Hamilton here, but we were wondering if you know Mr...-”he gestured to John-”This one here.”

Washington's voice sounded surprised, “Oh! John? Yes, Hamilton has brought him in quite a few times, so we’ve gotten to know him around the office. What do you need?”

“Well,” said the paramedic, “we believe that--uh… Mr.John… here is having a severe panic attack, and we’d like someone he knows to help him. We can’t seem to reach him. We know he can hear us, but he is still refusing to cooperate whatsoever.”

 _Nonononononononono they’re gonna take me from Alex. Nonononononono. I can’t leave him._ John’s voice screamed in his head. He wanted out. He wanted it to all be over. He just wanted it to go back to the way it was before.

Washington swallowed, “I can try, but I haven’t done training for panic attacks in years, I- I don’t know if… if I can help him.”

“That’s alright. You just need to try to help him calm down a bit— just enough for him to be removed so we can get Mr.Hamilton out.”

John felt the air around him change as Washington kneeled down next to him. “John. I know you don’t want to leave Alex, but these people here, the paramedics, they just want to help him. I know it’s going to be hard, but we need to get out of here.”

John could hear a faint note of panic in his voice, but ignored it. He knew that while Washington and Alex had a very close relationship, it was going to be immensely hard on Washington too. John thought about it for a minute, trying to rationalize with the panicked side of him. Finally, after a long few seconds, he nodded. It was slight, but Washingotn saw it.

“Okay. That’s great. You’re doing great. Now. Can I pick you up?”

Another nod.

“Perfect.”

John felt two arms underneath him, the pressure of the ground grew faint as Washington lifted him up into the air.

He kept his eyes shut, ignoring the compressed feeling inside him that was making his head hurt. He had no idea where they were going, he could only hear Washington's steps and his low voice saying, “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Alex is gonna be fine.”

John didn’t know who the reassurance was for. 

As the walked, John could feel his adrenaline coming down. The tightness in his chest began to relax. They continued on. John finally, after many long hours, allowed the weariness that was him to lull him to sleep.

______

“John?” 

“John are you awake?”

“Go get the nurse, I think he’s waking up.”

“John, grá, we’re here. Don’t worry.”

Voices surrounded John, muddled. He couldn’t quite make out the voices, not yet. Slowly, his surroundings became clear. He was on something hard, his head on someone's… leg? Footsteps were slowly fading into the distance.

He opened his eyes.

Laffs face slowly came into view above him, grinning, like normal. But the light was gone from his eyes, his hair was a mess and his shoulders dropped in defeat. This wasn’t normal. Something was wrong.

Then it all came crashing back down on him. The lunch, the video, the earthquake, the bookshelf, the paramedics, Alex. At the last thought, Johns muscles, once again, sprang to life. He sat bolt upright, alerting Laff of his consciousness.

“Ma chara, you cannot just do that!” Laff exclaimed, putting a hand over his heart. 

“Alex?” Was all John could manage.

Laff’s face fell as he swallowed, “We- we-ve been waiting to find out about his… uh… state, but the doctors haven’t told us anything yet.”

Tears sprang to Johns eyes, and he buried his face in the crook of Laff’s neck. _PLease let him be okay,_ thought John, letting the tears fall. 

Just then, there were hurried footsteps, and a shadow was suddenly cast over him. Looking up, John saw the built figure of Hercules standing beside them, a nurse at his side. 

“She… has news… about… Alex,” he panted. 

In that one word, all of Johns attention turned to the nurse in front of him, his back straighter than ever, and his anxiety starting to bubble again.

The nurse bit her lip, then cleared her throat, obviously stalling. “Well. As of exactly six eighteen p.m., Mr.Hamilton entered a… coma.”

John crumpled. He fell to the floor, his entire body numb with shock. _Coma. He’s in a coma. He could die. What if he dies what if-_

“John!”

John opened his eyes--when had he closed them?-- he was on the floor, the nurse, Herc and Laff looking down at him. 

“John, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah I think so. Sorry.”

The nurse still looked skeptical, but passed the moment off anyway. “We believe that his injuries are not fatal, but as he is in a coma, it will be hard o chara, it hadtell.”

Laff put his hands on Johns shoulders, still massaging them, “thank you nurse…”

“McCarthy, Ailish McCarthy.”

“Well, thank you nurse McCarth then.”

She turned and left, leaving the three friends to their own thoughts. 

After a few long moments of awkward silence, John spoke first, “He won’t… die… right?”

Herc and Laff exchanged a glance, “I think Alex will be alright, John. You know him, he’s always gonna push through.” Herc looked more confident than he sounded, but John tried to take his words to heart.

“Ma chara, it has been a long day, why don’t you get some rest.” Laff told him, obviously forgetting that John had just been asleep.

John didn’t have the heart to remind him of that, so he just nodded and lied down, his head on Laff leg once again.

____

Hours past with no new news about Alex. At one point, Laff and Herc had fallen asleep so John had walked around for a bit, trying to avoid all the thoughts that were trying to intrude his head. Eventually, he had gotten bored of the plain hospital walls with nothing on them, and gone back to sit with Laff and Herc. 

Now, just as John was about to slip into another half sleep, he saw Nurse McCarthy walking towards them, a doctor they had seen, but never spoken too in tow. Both of them had a grim look on their faces. As they approached, John could only hope that Alex’s state had not gotten worse. Since he had been in a coma, it would be hard to foresee some injuries or illnesses that could arise. At least, that was what the doctors had told him. John tried to brace himself for what was coming, but he didn’t have the energy to do it. He looked at Laff, who was still asleep on Herc’s shoulder. Herc was asleep too, his head resting on top of Laffs. He would have to deal with this news alone. 

McCarthy smiled at him, but it wasn’t her usual smile. This one was tight and her eyes looked tired. What had happened to Alex?

“Mr.Laurens. I- we have some news about Alex. Would you like to wake your friends before we tell you?”

John shook his head, “no, I’ll take this one alone.”

The doctor spoke up at last, “I think it would be best if you woke them, sir.”

It didn’t matter, it seemed that Laff had heard the voices above him, and was stirring. His movement caused Herc to stir too, waking them both. John waited impatiently for them both to fully awaken.

“Washapnin?” Herc slurred, his voice still coated with sleep.

“There’s more news about Alex.”

The reaction was immediate. Laff and Herc were suddenly alert, their eyes trained on Nurse McCarthy and the doctor.

“Around half an hour ago,” Nurse McCarthy began, “Mr.Hamilton began showing extreme signs of internal bleeding. There was a small amount of blood coming from his ears. We got all of the doctors we could to come help. We quickly stopped the bleeding but the damage was already done, around four minutes ago at exactly 8:34pm, Alexander Hamilton...died.”

“NO!” John screamed. Alex couldn’t be dead. Not Alexander “non-stop” Hamilton. He couldn’t die. This wasn’t fair.

He heard a small “shit” from Laff, and felt Herc fall to the ground. But none of that really registered. His mind was racing refusing to accept that Alex was gone, that he’d never see his face again, never hear his laugh, or tell him to go to bed because ‘it’s late Alex, it’s not healthy’. John could see the nurse moving her lips, but the ringing in his ears was too loud to hear. And then everything began closing in. He needed air, he needed it. So he ran. John picked himself up, and ran. He ran as hard as he could, through the front doors and ou tinto the fresh air. But he didn’t stop there. He kept running, moving his legs faster than ever because he needed to go somewhere. Anywhere. He didn’t know how much time had passed, only that he had to keep running. He didn’t pay attention to where his legs were taking him for a long time. It was only when he felt the light spray of the sea and heard the crashing of the waves on rocks the he finally realized where he was. 

The Cliffs of Moher. 

The place where he had first met Alex, then later, taken walks with him. Of course his legs would take him here. John looked out at the sea, just able to make out Inisheer in the distance. He had only been to the island a handful of times, but still knew it well as it was so small. 

John allowed himself to walk the short distance to another part of the cliffs- the most beautiful- according to most tourists. He sat in the twilight, letting the breeze and the smells overtake him. As he sat, he thought. He thought about how much he loved Alex, and once he had finally accepted the fact that he was dead (which took a much longer time than he would admit) he thought about how much he would miss Alex. He thought about those sunny days that they would take a walk in the park, and the rainy days where they stayed inside and cuddled on the couch, watching movie after movie. He thought about how Alex took care of John when he was sick, and how he sang to him when John had had a nightmare about his father. He didn’t realize it, but John was now wet with tears. The top of his shirt was wet, and it wasn’t stopping. John didn’t care. There was a hole in his heart, one that he knew would never be filled. He just wanted to be with Alex, he wanted to run and jump into his arms again, but he couldn’t. Alex was dead, and John knew that. He just wanted to see him again. Maybe there was a way. _No,_ thought John, _I’m not going there._ He tried to pull his thoughts away, but once he had thought it once, he could never forget it. The only way he had any chance to see Alex again, was to die. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that now he knew, he almost wanted it enough to do it. John took a deep breath and stood up. _Not today. I’m not going to kill myself today._


	2. Downhill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John hurts. He hurts so much all the time. It wasn't always like this... but now....

____

He could do it. It wouldn’t be that hard. Half his brain battled. Each side giving compelling arguments. Half his brain said no one would notice. The other half telling him that it would hurt a lot of people. He already had the note written, he wrote it a long time ago. He apologized for everything in it. The note was clutched in his hand, shaking. John felt everything well up in him. He just wanted the pain gone. He wanted to see Alex again. He just wanted to… die. Maybe if he just made it look like an accident. A car crash. Falling down the stairs. Maybe. But he wanted them to know. He wanted them to know it wasn’t an accident, that he really had wanted to die. That way maybe they wouldn’t go on in life thinking he was okay. Just maybe. God. He wanted it so bad. He just wanted people to know why. He wanted them to know that he wasn’t a coward, but that it really was that bad. But now he knew that he may never get the chance to tell them. He had the knife in his hand, the one that wasn’t holding the note. He had decided a long time ago that if he were to do it, he wouldn’t scar people. He wouldn’t make them watch, because that was a terrible feat. He didn’t want his body to be found by some stranger. Honestly, he didn’t want it to be found at all, he just wanted to disappear. He grabbed some tape, making sure the note was visible, but not obvious. He didn’t want his blood getting all over it. He knew how long it would take. He knew where to cut it. All he had to do now was do it.

Breathe.

John didn’t really want to admit it, but he was scared. He was scared that it wouldn’t work and he’d have to go to a psych ward. Or maybe someone would come in and save him. _No,_ he thought, _non ones going to come for you._

As if defying his thoughts, his phone vibrated, his screen lighting up to show a text from Laff:

**Stressedbaguette: hey we got some dinner. I know you don’t want to eat, but we’re coming over anyways. We’ll be there in 20.**

John shot back a quick **kk** before setting his phone down. It was now or never. If he did it, he’d have to hope that it was over before Laff arrived. If he waited, he’d have to clean everything up. When he said everything, he really just meant that he’d have to put the knife back, and make sure he hid the letter. Then all he had to do was look presentable for Laff. Deciding to not put Laff through the pain just yet, John followed his mental plan, and lied himself on the couch just as Laff knocked on the door. 

“Come in…” he called, staring at the ceiling.

“A chara! You cannot just leave your door unlocked like this, it will allow the burglars to get in!” Laff called as he entered.

John huffed. He didn’t care anymore. If a burglar came in, so be it. If they threw him out the window in the middle of the night, so be it. He didn’t care. He just wanted it to end. _No one should have to see me like this. It would be better with me gone. Easier._ The little evil voice in John's head was trying to break through. He pushed it down as far as he could. He knew that it wouldn’t make anything better if he was dead. He put a weak smile on his face, and shrugged, hoping that was good enough for Laff.

“J, we brought pizza, your favorite, cheese with extra cheese!” He held up the box, letting the smell waft over the room.

John rolled over and muttered, “not hungry.”

Herc came over and put his hand on Johns back. “Look man, you’re gonna have to eat eventually, just have like a peice.” He held out a piece of pizza. 

John just pushed his head further into the couch as a response.

“Please.”

“No.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Ugh, fine.”

John rolled back onto his front, looking up into Herc’s face. All he wanted was for them to leave. He knew they wouldn’t stay long, but they would probably come back soon, just like they had for the past few hours. Which would mean that as soon as they left, John would have to do it. Unless. _Unless I didn’t do it here. Unless I went somewhere else that wasn’t public, at least not right now._ Johns mind spun with the thought. All he had to do now was figure out where. Then it hit him, _The cliffs._ He could jump, and if he was wearing the heaviest clothes, maybe he wouldn’t come back up. Maybe they would never find his body. That way no one would see, and it wouldn’t be a mess, all he had to do now was wait. 

Herc and Laff talked, they made sure that John spoke at least a bit, but John could tell that they were just trying to avoid their feelings. John knew that as soon as they left, they would both be a mess, that this was all an act. As the other two talked, John let his mind wander. He decided he’d rewrite his note, and make sure that he left quickly. Soon after, Laff announced that the two of them were leaving so John said his goodbyes, making sure it was sincere. For all he knew, this could be the last time that he saw them, the last time he said goodbye. But this time, the goodbye was for real. He made sure to hug them extra tight, and assured them that he would be okay. Once they left, making sure to let him know they’d be back in a couple hours, John began writing. He wrote it carefully, making sure that they knew that this wasn’t their fault and that he was very sorry. 

He signed the noe some time later, making sure he read it once or twice for errors, then grabbed a coat and left, leaving the door unlocked and the note on the table. 

John got in his car and drove. He drove until he reached a place where he could leave his car and not have it be suspicious, but still be close enough to walk fast. John hopped out of the car, leaving the keys in the glove box and the doors unlocked-he wouldn’t need his car after this. John then made his way through a field he had once found with Alex. It had a good path to the cliffs, but it wasn’t visible to anyone standing guard. He ran to the spot that he had first me Alex, on the rocks that overlooked the water. No one could see him, no one could save him now.

John looked out over the sea, his mind screaming. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, didn’t want to scar them, he just wanted it gone. He wasn’t a wimp, even though he knew some would see it that way, he just didn’t want this. Any of it. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain. Even though he knew it was wrong, it didn’t make him want it any less. His feet moved slightly in the night, not wanting to alert anyone- though he knew no one was there. He took a deep breath. Laff would probably be finding his note right about now, which meant he didn’t have much time, less than ten minutes. John looked out over the sea again, taking deep breaths. Maybe, if he was lucky, he’d sink to the bottom and no one would ever know. Maybe, just maybe. But he wouldn’t get that far to know. He listened to the waves and thought again of Alex. John would never see again, unless he did this now. It was the only way. _Maybe it’s not…_ A voice in his mind tried to reason, but John pushed it away. He took another step, now his toes were sitting on the edge, dangerously threatening to just go. He just wanted the pain gone, to help everyone. _It wouldn’t be that bad, it would probably just be quick and simple._ John began to shake, he knew he had very little time before Laff came and found him. 

_Count down from ten, then go_

John shut his eyes, trying to block out everything.

_Ten._

He didn’t want to die, but it was the only way

_Nine._

He could do this.

_Eight._

The anxiety in him worsened as he shook more.

_Seven._

_C’mon John, you can do this._

_Six._

The quiet was broken by a car coming.

_Five._

The headlights shone behind him, suddenly turning off.

_Four._

He heard a car door slam.

_Three._

There was a sound of two people running, yelling, but John didn’t knw what they were saying.

_Two._

Almost there. 

_One._

He could hear the voices now. And he knew who it was.

_Zero._

John threw all his momentum into it. He swung his arms, like he was a little kid, jumping off the diving board. Except this time, there was no one to catch him.

“John! NO!” He heard Laff yell from behind him.

But it was too late. He jumped.

Johns feet left the ground, the air became cold around him as he began to drop. Then, just like in the office, time slowed. 

It’s funny, how when you do something you regret and it’s too late, how everything just seems to stop. Johns mind went back, flashing his mom in the hospital saying ‘I love you Jackie,’ to his dad, hand raised to hit him, next to school where everyone called him a faggot, then to college, where he finally got to be with people who like the same things as him, then to that day on the cliffs where Alex had bumped into him and neither had been able to speak for a solid minute, before Alex finally stuttered a ‘sorry man,’ then to their first date, their first kiss, meeting Laff and Herc, to having fun, all four of them, those rainy days, then to yesterday, when John had said ‘I love you’ for the first time, Alex saying it back, and the happiness he had felt, the pride in telling Laff and Herc, then the earthquake, the bookcase, then just pure panic, then to today, in the bathroom, and to now, with Laffs face at the edge, terror across it, Herc beside him, as he fell. And John regretted jumping. He may have lost Alex, but now he was going to lose the two people who loved him most in the world. 

“NO!” John yelled, wishing he could go back, wishing he could do it all over. But he couldn’t. And the water was getting closer, it’s dark contents only changed by the shining of the moon. It got closer and closer until John was there. He hit the water, his head going under in an instant. He sunk, being dragged down further from his fall and the weight of his clothes. John now wished that he had not wasted his breath on yelling to Laff and Herc. His feet hit the bottom, but he didn’t have the strength to push himself back up. He tried and tried to get his lags to work but the cold seemed to have numbed them. He felt his last bit of air leave him and the adrenaline kicked in. In started in his chest, blooming to his arms and legs, making them feeling white, but cold. It felt weird, but he ignored it, the cold feeling weakened him, and he felt his body go limp. _No no no nonono nonononononononononononono._ John thought as his eyes closed, he mouth fell open and he began to float up, his brain began to struggle to make a conscious thought as he struggled to stay awake. _I’m so sorry,_ it was the last thought he could make before he passed out completely, lost to the deep sea. 

  
  


_Dear Laff and Herc,_

_I’m so sorry for what I’m doing. I don’t want to do it, I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I want you to know that I love you both so, so much and none of this is your fault. I can’t feel anymore, and it’s not fair for me to make you guys to put up with that. I know you will try your hardest, and I don’t want either of you to have to do this, so I hope that you will be able to go on without me._

_I’m not doing this to prove a point, I just can’t get help and I want to be done. That’s a lie, I don’t really want to be done, but it has to be this way. Please make sure that everyone knows what this letter is and why I wrote it. I want all of my money to go to the both of you, but make sure some of it goes to suicide prevention._

_I do have a plan for this, and I know you’re going to try to stop me so that’s why I left a long time ago, to make sure that you wouldn’t have to see it. I’m going to the cliffs of Moher, but I don’t want either of you to come tonight. I know you will, but I don’t want to have you here. I’m so sorry that it has to be this way. Make sure you both know that I love you guys a ton, and I do wish that I didn’t have to leave like this._

_-JOHN LAURENS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm half sorry and I'm aso not sorry. This was painful to write, but it turned out okay in the end....


End file.
